What is your biggest relationship fear?

Hi Beautiful!

We all have, at some point, had self doubt and fear in our relationships. I thought it would be fun to take a poll to see what the most common fears are so that I can address them head on in the next few weeks!

Also it is nice to know you are not alone, and that other strong independent women like you, have the same fears from time to time.

Once you submit your answer you will be able to see who else is in the same boat as you!

And don’t worry, all answers are completely confidential….However, if you choose “Other” I would love to hear from you via email (keepyourprince@gmail.com) to make sure I am writing about problems that are relevant to you!

 

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Why he doesn’t owe you anything and how to get out the “I do everything in the relationship” cycle

ImageAfter the initial butterflies have faded and you have been together for some time you may find yourself feeling like the relationship is one sided. You may feel like you do more for the relationship than he does and you may begin to resent him for it. Maybe you do more of the housework or do more things to show you care. Maybe you have done bigger things for him like support him (emotionally and/or financially) through a work layoff, family emergency, or school.

While that is fantastic that you were such a great girlfriend/wife to do those things for him; he still doesn’t owe you anything.

Here’s why. The reason you do things for your significant other is not solely because you are such a selfless individual and you live for helping others. No you do it for yourself as well.

You, at this time, want to be in your relationship. You have chosen him amidst all of your other options out there. You didn’t chose him because you felt sorry for him and thought “gee he would sure like to have a girlfriend, I think I will help him out and start dating him.” Nope you fell for him because he was what you wanted; a boyfriend, a lover, a friend.

Everything you have done after that point you have done for yourself as well; for the betterment of the relationship.  You want him to be great so that the relationship can be great. You want him to have a job, go to school, and not be depressed; so that you can have a partner that makes money, is educated, and has a good attitude.  Of course this comes from a loving place but if you two weren’t together you sure as hell wouldn’t be helping him write his resume.

Now that we have covered why you do the things you do for him, I am willing to bet you are still not satisfied with my answer. That’s good because this isn’t just about you accepting all his bullshit and feeling terrible about it. It is also about what you can do to make things not feel so lopsided.

I remember reading a woman’s blog about chivalry being dead. She talked about being upset that her boyfriend didn’t show he cared about her by surprising her and taking her out on proper dates. She then proceeded to describe how she did that kind of stuff for him all the time. She would pick up little gifts for him for no reason, surprise him with nights out (on her), and other romantic gestures. When he didn’t reciprocate, she would yell at him about how she did everything for the relationship and he did nothing.

That is a terrible cycle… but very easy to fall into.

Here’s what she did:

  • I would assume in the beginning of the relationship he did nice things for her and so she fell for him.
  • Then they got comfortable and he got lazy.
  • She let him get lazy because she kept rewarding him for nothing.
  • She continued to pay for their dates, buy him gifts, and wear sexy lingerie; while he sat back and thought this is great! I’ve got this girl wrapped around my finger and I don’t have to do anything!
  • Then she yells at him, he continues to do nothing, and she continues to do nice things for him.

See the cycle?

At the end of this cycle is another bullet point

  • He stops respecting her.

If you feel like you’re doing too much in the relationship, stop doing so much! Pull it back a bit or altogether because less really is more. Give him space to actually do things for you without feeling like it is an obligation because you did something nice for him.

I know you love him and you like showing you care (there is also a little bit of wanting the praise from him for the gift/dinner/lingerie/whatever), but would you give candy to a child that was throwing a temper tantrum?

That is exactly what this woman did.

She thought she was being a good girlfriend and it made her feel good to do things for him. When he didn’t reciprocate she felt terrible and would initiate screaming matches. She could have yelled at him until she was blue in the face and he wouldn’t have changed, because her actions contradicted her words.

The secret about men is they want to work for it. They are the hunters. If the food is too easy to catch they get lazy (and in some cases fat).

Today’s Anti-Princess Lessons:

Ditch the entitled attitude and maintain positive and confident (see. way less stressful) one.

Then take control of your situation and level the playing field.

If you want to keep your prince, stop acting like a princess.

Ash.

Bachelorette 2013 – Defending the “Bad Boys” of the Bachelorette

ImageLast week on the “Men tell all” episode of the Bachelorette they had a feature called “The bad boys of the Bachelorette”. Two of the men under fire were James and Ben. I watched in awe as these men were basically chastised for their actions on the show.  I watched as the women in the audience shook their heads in disgust and booed these guys who apparently “weren’t there for the right reasons”.

As a recap, Ben is a single dad who was constantly attacked by the other men on the show because he rubbed them the wrong way. They spewed evil comments at him about being a terrible father, lying about his faith, and being a fame whore. Would you talk about your kid with a bunch of jerks who were saying nasty things about you? Meanwhile, even the previous Bachelorettes who spoke with Desiree before the episode said that they weren’t sure exactly what he did wrong. Personally I didn’t see him do anything they accused him of. I sum it up to jealousy that he didn’t “respect” the other guys and wait his turn for time with Desiree. Who cares?

James though is the one who really had it rough. He was caught talking to Mikey about what would happen if Desiree didn’t pick him and made comments about potentially being the next Bachelor if he got rejected in the end.  This is apparently a criminal offense in the Bachelorette world.  The men on the show attacked him about “not being there for the right reasons” and Desiree ended up kicking him off the show.

The response from the women in the audience was the most interesting to me. The way the media portrays these “bad guys” and encourages the audience to shun them from society is the exact reason why women have such skewed realities about what to accept in a relationship.

James really likes this girl, thinks things are going well, then sees her kissing basically every other guy on the show. Is it a wonder he is insecure and is trying to make himself feel better? This whole every guy needs to only think about the Bachelorette or he is a pig is really messed up. Let’s face it the odds were against him, he became insecure about how she felt about him, and tried to look at the positive, or the silver lining if you will.

I like Desiree but she is making out with every guy on the show and is basically saying she loves all of them and then James is accused of not being true. The same reasoning could be used on her, that she must not be there for the right reasons, if she is falling in love with all the guys’ not just one.

The real villains here are all the other guys who are hiding behind their good guy persona and pretending they are only there to be in love with a girl in which up until the show they never met. Those are the ones I would be scared to enter a relationship with. Every one of these guys could be online dating in private (not in front of America) if they were really ONLY interested in “finding the one”. Every single person that goes on that show knows they will probably become semi-famous at least for 15 minutes and that is definitely a motivator.

In my opinion James and Mikey are some of the realest men on the show.  They owned up and defended what they said and I agree. To pretend like there is no reality outside this show where one girl dates over 20 guys is crazy talk. If she picked him awesome, if she picked someone else well then he wasn’t going to crawl into a hole and die; that’s healthy confidence.

Us ladies need to let go of this whole “the one will only think of me all day every day for the rest of his life” have you ever checked out a cute guys butt while you were in a relationship? Exactly.

If James and her were meant to be together he would’ve just been with her and never been the Bachelor or went off on the boat with Mikey and some hot rich women. Because he thought for a second she might fall for someone else and he would still go on with his life, he will forever been seen as the “Bad Boy” of the Bachelorette.

Don’t read too much into that text

ImageHave you ever written a big long text to your man only to have him respond with a yep, cool, or ok? Not quite the response you were looking for huh? Has this at times made you get mad or just make you think WTF does that mean?

I had a conversation with my boyfriend about this recently. We both came to the conclusion that guys do this for 2 reasons.

1)      They like things straight and to the point. You could go on about five different things in one text; he replies with one word because it’s simple and it gets the point across the fastest.

Which leads to point number two…

2)      He is comfortable enough with you and with the relationship to reply like a real person. He doesn’t feel the need to put “lol 🙂 🙂 haha oh that’s great baby! :P” Just so you get a positive feeling about his response. You said something, he responded, period. Take it at face value.

“Well what if he really is mad at me or something is wrong?” I used to do this all the time. “What’s wrong babe?” over text and then he would begin to explain what was wrong with some weirdly autocorrected words in some not so straight forward message. This mostly just left me misinterpreting what he meant all together, getting upset, and then sending him some long winded message back that further misconstrued things.

Moral of the storey here is if something is wrong and you can’t talk on the phone about it; wait until you see the person. Text messaging has yet to be able to convey emotions properly despite its array of emoticon options. Text message arguments are not all that effective and will leave you pissed off until the next time you see him anyway.

So do yourself a favour; take that short answers as a complement to the security of your relationship. Leave it up to him to bring it up if something’s wrong and get to keep your positive attitude going until your sure something is up.

If you want to keep your prince, stop acting like a princess.

Ash.

keepyourprince@gmail.com