What “Being Yourself” in a Relationship Really Means

beyourselfFrom the very first date you are head over heels for this guy. It is that heart stopping, can’t think straight, butterflies in your stomach feeling, and it lasts for a good three to six months from the beginning of your relationship. When you are with him you are on your best behavior. You don’t want to screw this one up. You treat him kindly, you say thank you for making breakfast, your arguments (if any) are not malicious but kind of cute in that very new sort of way that you quickly forgive each other and laugh hysterically about it later.

In this stage you wouldn’t call him an asshole (unless it was jokingly), tell him to lose some weight, or complain that he didn’t take out the trash.  Nope these things come later when you’re comfortable and you feel no guilt at all yelling at him to do whenever you see fit.

You will notice in my writing that I talk about what the woman should do in the relationship. Not because I think the man is never in the wrong or doesn’t do the same type of shit when he gets comfortable.  I talk about the woman because I am writing to you. You are the only thing you can change about your relationship. You are only responsible for you, your behavior, and your happiness.

By trying some of the things I talk about you will be able to be much happier than you have ever been in a relationship because it will still kind of feel like those first six months. Of course some things change.. Ahem sex… but that mutual respect will stay intact when you learn how to get your way without yelling until your blue in the face or making the same comment over.. and over.. and over.. and over… you get the point. If you are unhappy about certain things in your relationship or your relationship in general you can only control your stuff. No amount of telling him what to do will change anything if he doesn’t want to change. The key is to make sure that he does want to change and wants to keep doing things to make you happy. If you are constantly berating him with what he is doing wrong than that will deter from actual change and he will start to resent it; and like a young boy disobeying his mommy he will rebel. Don’t be his mommy.

When I used to think of “being myself” in my relationship I used think that meant I could act as batshit crazy as I wanted and he would still have to accept me for me no matter what. If he didn’t then he was an asshole and didn’t really love me anyway, right? Wrong.

Once women get comfortable they start to gradually make comments about their man. Now this isn’t done maliciously, it starts out by putting different expectations on him than you did before he fell in love with you.

I really didn’t think I was doing anything wrong (the first example I will give was my issue) but only after I was left alone, single, and dumbstruck, in our empty apartment did I do some serious soul searching. I didn’t only analyze what he did wrong for a change; I looked at myself, right in the mirror, for the very first time. Controlling a man to do what you want is different than encouraging him to help you in some way. Controlling is taking away the basic freedoms that he had when he was single so that he will do things your way.

Examples of controlling behavior that will kill your relationship (or at least the loving and sexy part of it) faster than you can say “don’t leave me!” are the following:  Making him feel guilty for leaving her at home so he can get some space with his friends (controlling his time), starting to tell him she doesn’t like the kind of clothes he wears (controlling his choice of expression), starting to tell him she doesn’t really think his friends are a good influence (controlling his choice of who he hangs out with). These are all example of things that women do to control the relationship on their terms. She does this to make herself more comfortable versus thinking that maybe her guy actually hates golf shirts and maybe he has seen her beautiful face for just one hour too much this week! It’s okay he still loves you, he just doesn’t want to be controlled and neither do you. You don’t get to decide what he does with his free time, you don’t get to decide on the clothes he wears, and you don’t get to decide who his buddies are.  Just like when you first started dating.

If you want to keep your prince, stop acting like a princess.

Cheers!

Ash

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