I used to be quite the detective. Ever since the early age of 14 I was convinced that all men were cheaters and not to be trusted. Back in the days of ICQ I learned how to hack my boyfriend’s password and read all the messages he was sending to other girls behind my back. My best friends would come to me for help in their own hacking needs in which I was more than willing to help.. Because if he was cheating behind her back he deserved to be snooped on.
I would always find stuff too… even if it was calling another girl “hun” I would catch it and fly off the handle… It gave me an excuse to keep snooping because I would find something bad almost every single time. With my boyfriend in college it was the same.. I graduated from high school level snooping onto college level.. I was able to record anything he typed into his keyboard.. I was obsessed.. if that ability to control was ever taken away from me I felt like I couldn’t go on being with him. I justified it by the fact that I was cheated on by my last boyfriend so it was okay that I was insecure. He just had to understand or he was an insensitive prick. I would go on to catch him cheating, again, and again, and eventually leave him after 4 long years.
When I met my current boyfriend I had been burned so many times that no matter how amazing he was I still put the same label on him. I was older so I toned it down a bit to only cellphone text messages and email snooping (if he left it open).. again I told myself it was okay because of my past. It wasn’t my fault that I felt the compulsion to snoop. I could never just accept that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I was always looking for a confirmation that all guys are dogs and he would cheat on me like the rest.
Snooping, no matter how justified you think it is, is not okay. If your boyfriend is going to cheat on you, no amount of snooping is going to stop him. The fact that you are snooping in the first place tells him that you think he is a jerk and you don’t trust him. Ironically enough this is the type of stuff that is going to drive your boyfriend to cheat on you.
Now of course cheating is not right but guess what? A lot of people do it and you have probably done it in the past too princess. Now of course there are some men who are simply driven by sexual desire and who are just plain selfish jerks. They know themselves that they are not ready to settle down but will “have their cake and eat it too” until you kick them to the curb.
I would like to suggest something different for the majority of cheaters, and this will be controversial… but… what if he cheats because he has become truly unhappy in his relationship? He loves his partner too much and is too enthralled in their life together to simply say see you later.
Something like his partner snooping through all his shit and never trusting a word he says makes him feel suffocated and he slowly loses the love for her…but they are also still best friends. In this position it is hard to leave and it easier to kind of get back at her to be able to stay a little longer. This is when the kindness of a pretty stranger is too hard to resist.
Now.. and this is a theme throughout my posts.. you can only change you and cannot change your significant other. So it is time to stop blaming your past or other people and start taking responsibility for your insecurities. It is time to trust no matter how many times you have been burned because that is the only way you can prevent from being burned in the future. Stop feeding into your excuses about why it is okay to question your partner’s intentions. Just trust without reason to trust for now and then the real trust will come. It will not come quickly. You will need to resist the urge to snoop many many times. Each time you are faced with this dilemma think to yourself.. you have the ability to look or not look (question or not question). Believe that he loves you, believe that he won’t cheat on you, believe that you are amazing and then act like it. Each time you are faced with this and overcome it you will be one step closer to having the real thing… a real honest to goodness trusting relationship.