Bachelorette 2013 – Defending the “Bad Boys” of the Bachelorette

ImageLast week on the “Men tell all” episode of the Bachelorette they had a feature called “The bad boys of the Bachelorette”. Two of the men under fire were James and Ben. I watched in awe as these men were basically chastised for their actions on the show.  I watched as the women in the audience shook their heads in disgust and booed these guys who apparently “weren’t there for the right reasons”.

As a recap, Ben is a single dad who was constantly attacked by the other men on the show because he rubbed them the wrong way. They spewed evil comments at him about being a terrible father, lying about his faith, and being a fame whore. Would you talk about your kid with a bunch of jerks who were saying nasty things about you? Meanwhile, even the previous Bachelorettes who spoke with Desiree before the episode said that they weren’t sure exactly what he did wrong. Personally I didn’t see him do anything they accused him of. I sum it up to jealousy that he didn’t “respect” the other guys and wait his turn for time with Desiree. Who cares?

James though is the one who really had it rough. He was caught talking to Mikey about what would happen if Desiree didn’t pick him and made comments about potentially being the next Bachelor if he got rejected in the end.  This is apparently a criminal offense in the Bachelorette world.  The men on the show attacked him about “not being there for the right reasons” and Desiree ended up kicking him off the show.

The response from the women in the audience was the most interesting to me. The way the media portrays these “bad guys” and encourages the audience to shun them from society is the exact reason why women have such skewed realities about what to accept in a relationship.

James really likes this girl, thinks things are going well, then sees her kissing basically every other guy on the show. Is it a wonder he is insecure and is trying to make himself feel better? This whole every guy needs to only think about the Bachelorette or he is a pig is really messed up. Let’s face it the odds were against him, he became insecure about how she felt about him, and tried to look at the positive, or the silver lining if you will.

I like Desiree but she is making out with every guy on the show and is basically saying she loves all of them and then James is accused of not being true. The same reasoning could be used on her, that she must not be there for the right reasons, if she is falling in love with all the guys’ not just one.

The real villains here are all the other guys who are hiding behind their good guy persona and pretending they are only there to be in love with a girl in which up until the show they never met. Those are the ones I would be scared to enter a relationship with. Every one of these guys could be online dating in private (not in front of America) if they were really ONLY interested in “finding the one”. Every single person that goes on that show knows they will probably become semi-famous at least for 15 minutes and that is definitely a motivator.

In my opinion James and Mikey are some of the realest men on the show.  They owned up and defended what they said and I agree. To pretend like there is no reality outside this show where one girl dates over 20 guys is crazy talk. If she picked him awesome, if she picked someone else well then he wasn’t going to crawl into a hole and die; that’s healthy confidence.

Us ladies need to let go of this whole “the one will only think of me all day every day for the rest of his life” have you ever checked out a cute guys butt while you were in a relationship? Exactly.

If James and her were meant to be together he would’ve just been with her and never been the Bachelor or went off on the boat with Mikey and some hot rich women. Because he thought for a second she might fall for someone else and he would still go on with his life, he will forever been seen as the “Bad Boy” of the Bachelorette.

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Don’t read too much into that text

ImageHave you ever written a big long text to your man only to have him respond with a yep, cool, or ok? Not quite the response you were looking for huh? Has this at times made you get mad or just make you think WTF does that mean?

I had a conversation with my boyfriend about this recently. We both came to the conclusion that guys do this for 2 reasons.

1)      They like things straight and to the point. You could go on about five different things in one text; he replies with one word because it’s simple and it gets the point across the fastest.

Which leads to point number two…

2)      He is comfortable enough with you and with the relationship to reply like a real person. He doesn’t feel the need to put “lol 🙂 🙂 haha oh that’s great baby! :P” Just so you get a positive feeling about his response. You said something, he responded, period. Take it at face value.

“Well what if he really is mad at me or something is wrong?” I used to do this all the time. “What’s wrong babe?” over text and then he would begin to explain what was wrong with some weirdly autocorrected words in some not so straight forward message. This mostly just left me misinterpreting what he meant all together, getting upset, and then sending him some long winded message back that further misconstrued things.

Moral of the storey here is if something is wrong and you can’t talk on the phone about it; wait until you see the person. Text messaging has yet to be able to convey emotions properly despite its array of emoticon options. Text message arguments are not all that effective and will leave you pissed off until the next time you see him anyway.

So do yourself a favour; take that short answers as a complement to the security of your relationship. Leave it up to him to bring it up if something’s wrong and get to keep your positive attitude going until your sure something is up.

If you want to keep your prince, stop acting like a princess.

Ash.

keepyourprince@gmail.com

Should You Stay or Walk Away from Your Relationship

loveSo you used to have an amazing relationship with a man who you love but recently things just aren’t the same. Maybe there has been one too many arguments, he won’t fully commit the way you want him to, or one (or both) of you have cheated.  Should you cut your losses and find someone who treats you right or should you work on what you have and try and rekindle the romance.

The answer to this ultimately comes down to if you believe him to be “the One”. Oh the illustrious one… you always hear them say “when you’ve found the one you just know” and I tend to agree with this statement. The one is not the definition of perfection but he is perfect for you.

Still not sure? This will help.

There are 2 important parts to your relationship; 1. is ultimate compatibility and 2. is day-to-day compatibility. To know if he is the one you need to determine if you are ultimately compatible. The day-to-day stuff you can work on, but if you are just mismatched for each other, that’s probably the reason why things are burning out.

You can determine ultimate compatibility in 3 ways. Think.Think.Feel

One. Think of all the things you HATED about your exes (if it was a minor annoyance it doesn’t count.) Things that could apply are; complained every time about visiting your family or listened to music you absolutely can’t stand, or was mean to your friends.  Now think does my current man do any of these things? The one for you should meet your non-negotiables. If family and friends and music are super important to you like they are to me then the “one” for you needs to already have the attributes already built in.

Two. Think of big stuff like your stance on children, spirituality, marriage, and overall lifestyle. These things do not need to match if you’re okay with that and if these things are truly open ended for both of you than that’s good too. But if you’re really not okay with it and are just hoping his stance might change, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

Three. Feel… what does your gut tell you? Are you really happy? Are you as happy as you imagined you would be when you met the one? Does he lift you up after a hard day? Does he stand up for you? Does he make you laugh? Does he make you feel trusted? Can you be yourself around him? Does he make you feel positive or drain all the energy out of you?

Finally there are 3 words of wisdom from the parents in my life that have helped me through my relationships and I hope will help you.

“Sometimes there will be someone in your life who just grabs you” Sometimes you will come across a person who just grabs you, shakes you, and turns your whole world upside down. You will go through life not being able to think or see straight for a few good months at least. Those people you need to pay attention to. You can’t deny them. They affect you in that way for a reason. Maybe they are the one, maybe they are just the one to teach you something.

“You have to stay and stay until you are really ready to leave” I have never left a relationship until I was completely ready to leave. My friends could have said I was crazy, my parents could’ve hated him, we could have broken up a million times, and I always stayed until I fell out of love.  I have never had regrets in love. Each relationship taught me a lot. Each time I went back there was good and there was bad. I never regretted it because it all got me to where I am today.

“Never settle” This is an important one. Settling for someone you know deep down is not right for you is starving yourself of the happiness you really deserve.  Attributes that are settling for one person may not mean settling for another, they are your non-negotiables, things that are important to you. If you feel like you are settling for someone who is less than perfect for you than you already know what you need to do.

Ash.

P.S. Need help deciding? Drop me a line at keepyourprince@gmail.com

It’s Not Him It’s You

ImageMy “perfect” relationship came crashing down around me when I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. I was outraged and also extremely heartbroken. We had been together for 2 years, we shared a place, and a cat, and I thought I was more or less happy, so I was also extremely confused. My girlfriends and I would have conversations for hours about it as I sobbed through the telephone. “What an asshole, what a prick, he doesn’t deserve you, your beautiful, any guy would be happy to have you, he is really going to regret this.” He was the jerk I was the perfect princess and he deserved to rot for how much he hurt me.

As the initial shock subsided and anger melted into sadness I would begin to have conversations with him. He agreed to go to a shrink, which pleased me, because I thought that he would tell him what my shrink told me and make him work on himself.  He didn’t. He told him that it wasn’t just his fault, that he wasn’t a selfish sex crazed jerk, and that it was actually my fault just as much as his!

Obviously I was outraged at this. It wasn’t my fault I got cheated on. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on I was a good person. I did my best in the relationship even though I had my faults.  He was the jerk, he was the selfish prick, and he did it because men are cheating pigs.

I packed up all his stuff and dropped it off to him and changed the locks. No strong women would put up with that type of behaviour.

After living a few months on mostly gummy bears and alcohol I began self reflection. I thought about what his shrink had said, I read books, I talked to my parents, and my talk to my friends. I stopped blaming him for everything and I started to look at my faults in the relationship too. No I didn’t think I deserved to be cheated on, but I also didn’t think that the man I fell in love with did it solely to hurt me.

I came to the conclusion that shockingly I could have contributed to the ultimate demise of my relationship.

There are 2 people in your relationship. Each person acts as they are and reacts to how the other acts. There is an ultimate compatibility that is one part of the relationship; these things include likes and dislikes, spiritual views, family views, and marriage and baby views. The second part is how you act and react with each other on a daily basis. If you have part one you are in good shape, but it is part two that will really determine your relationship outcome.

I will acknowledge that sometimes men do cheat to cheat. They get into relationships and are constantly thinking “is this all there is?” It wouldn’t matter if you were girlfriend of the year, these gems are not ready for a relationship, they have a list of things they want to “do” before they settle down and they haven’t accomplished them yet, period.

There are the other guys that believe they are ready for a relationship. They get into a relationship innocently, they truly fall in love, and then something happens along the way; they become unhappy. There are numerous reasons this could happen, in my case it was because he increasingly felt controlled and unable to do what he wanted to do. I didn’t know I was doing this to him because I felt justified in my insecurity.

When a man breaks your heart your friends never tell you it was partly your fault. The woman is always the victim and the man is always the jerk. As this pattern continues throughout your relationships it creates a sense of superiority that you can do no wrong and men are always in the wrong.  You begin to think if a man loves you he has to accept you no matter how you act. How I acted was making him feel guilty for going out without me, snooping through his stuff, and constantly questioning his actions and intentions. The fun loving girl he fell in love with was no more. As a relationships progresses we feel more comfortable to talk to our significant other in a way we probably wouldn’t talk to our worst enemy. This type of comfort is the result of confusion on what it really means to “be yourself” in a relationship.

My insecurities about cheating were not me. They were a result of things that happened in my life that I chose to carry around with me.  The things that are who I am are; my eclectic taste in music, my “up for anything” attitude, my open mindedness, my love of competition, and my lighthearted sarcasm. Those are things that my boyfriend fell in love with, not my constant need to control out of fear.

Only after some time were we both able to accept our roles in the death of that relationship. We were also able to bring a new relationship to life; one that is based on love and respect not passion and fear.  I took responsibility for my part, the only part I could control. I let go of my constant need for attention, my anxieties about infidelity, and my desire to have power over him. I am much happier and healthier than I ever was and my relationship is completely changed for the better.

If you believe you have ultimate compatibility in your relationship but still feel things are not working I would like to challenge you today to look at yourself. Are you treating him how you would like to be treated? Change one thing about yourself for the better and wait to see if that changes something for the better in your relationship.

If you want to keep your prince, stop acting like a princess.

Ash.

P.S. Need help changing your relationship mindset? Drop me a line at keepyourprince@gmail.com