Jealousy is Not Sexy

sweet_emi_putra_adorable_boyfriend_cute_kiss-a9db72db081ea66a45fd3402668d356f_h_largeDoes this picture seem normal to you? Do you agree with the message? I won’t blame you if you do because I used to belong to this girls club too. The one in which all the females tell each other that jealousy is healthy and you only do it because you love him. I don’t know about you but there is not one time when I felt healthy being jealous. This little lie helped me cope by not taking responsibility for my actions, but I felt more like a small, insignificant, spec of dirt than a strong, independent, and healthy woman. While I agree that being jealous comes from love or lust it should not be your key indicator on whether or not your man loves you.

Now I am going to tell you something that I hope will help you to avoid gauging your man’s love on a range from indifferent to raging lunatic on steroids. If a guy is in a relationship with you he is pretty sure you know how he feels about you. That is why he doesn’t always get jealous or bring you flowers to your beside every morning.  No matter how much you like flowers I guarantee you this is a good thing. It means he feels content enough in the relationship not to have to validate it all the time. The sooner you accept this truth the more calm and happy you will be in your relationship.

Now I would also like to redefine jealousy for you because I have found that what us women think having a normal conversation is, a guy interprets to be the equivalent of a crazed lunatic harassing his every move. Dramatic? Yes… read on…

Being jealous to a guy can range from an all out screaming match about his co-worker, to just mentioning her name in passing, for example “MICHELLE IS A MAN STEALING WHORE AND I DON’T WANT HER ANYWHERE NEAR YOU!”, is frequently interpreted the same way as “Did you, Kevin, and Michelle, end up going out for lunch today?”. Men literally take almost any mention of a girl that is not your friend as a hint that you are ridiculously jealous.Sometimes they are right sometimes they are not. I know I have tried to slyly poke to see “who all was there” when he was out. Your best bet is to refrain from asking. If he tells you he does if he doesn’t embrace the mystery.

Overview:

Mystery = Healthy

Jealousy = Not Healthy

When we were young girls in high school level relationships, jealousy was sexy, it was passionate, and it was exciting! Even if he never said the words “I love you” in the three years you were dating but got jealous when some guy tried to hit on you at a party, he loved you! Love was new and fresh and extremes were the norm. You were passionately controlled almost exclusively by your hormones and if your raging hormones weren’t enough to make you jealous, the first time you got cheated on sure was.

I still remember the first time I was cheated on, do you? My best friends came into class and reluctantly said “Umm Ash?… we have something to tell you”. They proceeded to tell me about how the boy I had lost my virginity to cheated on me with one of the new freshmen. I didn’t even believe them at first actually, ah the pure untouched naive heart. The one that is so sweet and trusting of the world because it has not yet truly experienced being broken. I sure did experience that with him.. and it was more than a few times.

So you carry that first broken heart on your sleeve for your next relationship, and the one after that too. You tell yourself its okay to be jealous and you love when he is jealous too because you think that jealousy = giving a shit.

Except its really not. I had a boyfriend in college who cheated on me constantly.. like constantly.. but was also seriously jealous all the time. The relationship was passionate..exciting even.. but it wasn’t real. At least not in comparison to the type of relationship where you don’t have to rely on make-up sex to make it work.

Real relationships that are meaningful and long lasting don’t rely on cheap shots to keep them going. They are not always passionate and exciting but they are not always rip-your-heart-out-soul-crushing either.

So my challenge for you is to not let your past heartaches seep into your new ones. This means not asking every detail about his boys night (and definitely not asking  “who was all there”), not bringing up the pretty blonde coworker, and not asking about the girl with the bikini Facebook picture who “liked” his status yesterday.

Demonstrating this type of restraint and class will get you the type of respect and peace of mind you want from your guy. You see when you act “all crazy and shit” he is so assured of your love he will act however he damn well pleases.. then he will get annoyed.. then you guys will probably break up. But if you keep your cool even when you feel that inkling of jealousy, he will respect that, then he will show his love in others ways to make sure you still care too.

If you want to keep you prince, stop acting like a princess.

Ash.

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