It’s Not Him It’s You

ImageMy “perfect” relationship came crashing down around me when I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. I was outraged and also extremely heartbroken. We had been together for 2 years, we shared a place, and a cat, and I thought I was more or less happy, so I was also extremely confused. My girlfriends and I would have conversations for hours about it as I sobbed through the telephone. “What an asshole, what a prick, he doesn’t deserve you, your beautiful, any guy would be happy to have you, he is really going to regret this.” He was the jerk I was the perfect princess and he deserved to rot for how much he hurt me.

As the initial shock subsided and anger melted into sadness I would begin to have conversations with him. He agreed to go to a shrink, which pleased me, because I thought that he would tell him what my shrink told me and make him work on himself.  He didn’t. He told him that it wasn’t just his fault, that he wasn’t a selfish sex crazed jerk, and that it was actually my fault just as much as his!

Obviously I was outraged at this. It wasn’t my fault I got cheated on. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on I was a good person. I did my best in the relationship even though I had my faults.  He was the jerk, he was the selfish prick, and he did it because men are cheating pigs.

I packed up all his stuff and dropped it off to him and changed the locks. No strong women would put up with that type of behaviour.

After living a few months on mostly gummy bears and alcohol I began self reflection. I thought about what his shrink had said, I read books, I talked to my parents, and my talk to my friends. I stopped blaming him for everything and I started to look at my faults in the relationship too. No I didn’t think I deserved to be cheated on, but I also didn’t think that the man I fell in love with did it solely to hurt me.

I came to the conclusion that shockingly I could have contributed to the ultimate demise of my relationship.

There are 2 people in your relationship. Each person acts as they are and reacts to how the other acts. There is an ultimate compatibility that is one part of the relationship; these things include likes and dislikes, spiritual views, family views, and marriage and baby views. The second part is how you act and react with each other on a daily basis. If you have part one you are in good shape, but it is part two that will really determine your relationship outcome.

I will acknowledge that sometimes men do cheat to cheat. They get into relationships and are constantly thinking “is this all there is?” It wouldn’t matter if you were girlfriend of the year, these gems are not ready for a relationship, they have a list of things they want to “do” before they settle down and they haven’t accomplished them yet, period.

There are the other guys that believe they are ready for a relationship. They get into a relationship innocently, they truly fall in love, and then something happens along the way; they become unhappy. There are numerous reasons this could happen, in my case it was because he increasingly felt controlled and unable to do what he wanted to do. I didn’t know I was doing this to him because I felt justified in my insecurity.

When a man breaks your heart your friends never tell you it was partly your fault. The woman is always the victim and the man is always the jerk. As this pattern continues throughout your relationships it creates a sense of superiority that you can do no wrong and men are always in the wrong.  You begin to think if a man loves you he has to accept you no matter how you act. How I acted was making him feel guilty for going out without me, snooping through his stuff, and constantly questioning his actions and intentions. The fun loving girl he fell in love with was no more. As a relationships progresses we feel more comfortable to talk to our significant other in a way we probably wouldn’t talk to our worst enemy. This type of comfort is the result of confusion on what it really means to “be yourself” in a relationship.

My insecurities about cheating were not me. They were a result of things that happened in my life that I chose to carry around with me.  The things that are who I am are; my eclectic taste in music, my “up for anything” attitude, my open mindedness, my love of competition, and my lighthearted sarcasm. Those are things that my boyfriend fell in love with, not my constant need to control out of fear.

Only after some time were we both able to accept our roles in the death of that relationship. We were also able to bring a new relationship to life; one that is based on love and respect not passion and fear.  I took responsibility for my part, the only part I could control. I let go of my constant need for attention, my anxieties about infidelity, and my desire to have power over him. I am much happier and healthier than I ever was and my relationship is completely changed for the better.

If you believe you have ultimate compatibility in your relationship but still feel things are not working I would like to challenge you today to look at yourself. Are you treating him how you would like to be treated? Change one thing about yourself for the better and wait to see if that changes something for the better in your relationship.

If you want to keep your prince, stop acting like a princess.


P.S. Need help changing your relationship mindset? Drop me a line at


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