So you used to have an amazing relationship with a man who you love but recently things just aren’t the same. Maybe there has been one too many arguments, he won’t fully commit the way you want him to, or one (or both) of you have cheated. Should you cut your losses and find someone who treats you right or should you work on what you have and try and rekindle the romance.
The answer to this ultimately comes down to if you believe him to be “the One”. Oh the illustrious one… you always hear them say “when you’ve found the one you just know” and I tend to agree with this statement. The one is not the definition of perfection but he is perfect for you.
Still not sure? This will help.
There are 2 important parts to your relationship; 1. is ultimate compatibility and 2. is day-to-day compatibility. To know if he is the one you need to determine if you are ultimately compatible. The day-to-day stuff you can work on, but if you are just mismatched for each other, that’s probably the reason why things are burning out.
You can determine ultimate compatibility in 3 ways. Think.Think.Feel
One. Think of all the things you HATED about your exes (if it was a minor annoyance it doesn’t count.) Things that could apply are; complained every time about visiting your family or listened to music you absolutely can’t stand, or was mean to your friends. Now think does my current man do any of these things? The one for you should meet your non-negotiables. If family and friends and music are super important to you like they are to me then the “one” for you needs to already have the attributes already built in.
Two. Think of big stuff like your stance on children, spirituality, marriage, and overall lifestyle. These things do not need to match if you’re okay with that and if these things are truly open ended for both of you than that’s good too. But if you’re really not okay with it and are just hoping his stance might change, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
Three. Feel… what does your gut tell you? Are you really happy? Are you as happy as you imagined you would be when you met the one? Does he lift you up after a hard day? Does he stand up for you? Does he make you laugh? Does he make you feel trusted? Can you be yourself around him? Does he make you feel positive or drain all the energy out of you?
Finally there are 3 words of wisdom from the parents in my life that have helped me through my relationships and I hope will help you.
“Sometimes there will be someone in your life who just grabs you” Sometimes you will come across a person who just grabs you, shakes you, and turns your whole world upside down. You will go through life not being able to think or see straight for a few good months at least. Those people you need to pay attention to. You can’t deny them. They affect you in that way for a reason. Maybe they are the one, maybe they are just the one to teach you something.
“You have to stay and stay until you are really ready to leave” I have never left a relationship until I was completely ready to leave. My friends could have said I was crazy, my parents could’ve hated him, we could have broken up a million times, and I always stayed until I fell out of love. I have never had regrets in love. Each relationship taught me a lot. Each time I went back there was good and there was bad. I never regretted it because it all got me to where I am today.
“Never settle” This is an important one. Settling for someone you know deep down is not right for you is starving yourself of the happiness you really deserve. Attributes that are settling for one person may not mean settling for another, they are your non-negotiables, things that are important to you. If you feel like you are settling for someone who is less than perfect for you than you already know what you need to do.
P.S. Need help deciding? Drop me a line at email@example.com
My “perfect” relationship came crashing down around me when I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. I was outraged and also extremely heartbroken. We had been together for 2 years, we shared a place, and a cat, and I thought I was more or less happy, so I was also extremely confused. My girlfriends and I would have conversations for hours about it as I sobbed through the telephone. “What an asshole, what a prick, he doesn’t deserve you, your beautiful, any guy would be happy to have you, he is really going to regret this.” He was the jerk I was the perfect princess and he deserved to rot for how much he hurt me.
As the initial shock subsided and anger melted into sadness I would begin to have conversations with him. He agreed to go to a shrink, which pleased me, because I thought that he would tell him what my shrink told me and make him work on himself. He didn’t. He told him that it wasn’t just his fault, that he wasn’t a selfish sex crazed jerk, and that it was actually my fault just as much as his!
Obviously I was outraged at this. It wasn’t my fault I got cheated on. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on I was a good person. I did my best in the relationship even though I had my faults. He was the jerk, he was the selfish prick, and he did it because men are cheating pigs.
I packed up all his stuff and dropped it off to him and changed the locks. No strong women would put up with that type of behaviour.
After living a few months on mostly gummy bears and alcohol I began self reflection. I thought about what his shrink had said, I read books, I talked to my parents, and my talk to my friends. I stopped blaming him for everything and I started to look at my faults in the relationship too. No I didn’t think I deserved to be cheated on, but I also didn’t think that the man I fell in love with did it solely to hurt me.
I came to the conclusion that shockingly I could have contributed to the ultimate demise of my relationship.
There are 2 people in your relationship. Each person acts as they are and reacts to how the other acts. There is an ultimate compatibility that is one part of the relationship; these things include likes and dislikes, spiritual views, family views, and marriage and baby views. The second part is how you act and react with each other on a daily basis. If you have part one you are in good shape, but it is part two that will really determine your relationship outcome.
I will acknowledge that sometimes men do cheat to cheat. They get into relationships and are constantly thinking “is this all there is?” It wouldn’t matter if you were girlfriend of the year, these gems are not ready for a relationship, they have a list of things they want to “do” before they settle down and they haven’t accomplished them yet, period.
There are the other guys that believe they are ready for a relationship. They get into a relationship innocently, they truly fall in love, and then something happens along the way; they become unhappy. There are numerous reasons this could happen, in my case it was because he increasingly felt controlled and unable to do what he wanted to do. I didn’t know I was doing this to him because I felt justified in my insecurity.
When a man breaks your heart your friends never tell you it was partly your fault. The woman is always the victim and the man is always the jerk. As this pattern continues throughout your relationships it creates a sense of superiority that you can do no wrong and men are always in the wrong. You begin to think if a man loves you he has to accept you no matter how you act. How I acted was making him feel guilty for going out without me, snooping through his stuff, and constantly questioning his actions and intentions. The fun loving girl he fell in love with was no more. As a relationships progresses we feel more comfortable to talk to our significant other in a way we probably wouldn’t talk to our worst enemy. This type of comfort is the result of confusion on what it really means to “be yourself” in a relationship.
My insecurities about cheating were not me. They were a result of things that happened in my life that I chose to carry around with me. The things that are who I am are; my eclectic taste in music, my “up for anything” attitude, my open mindedness, my love of competition, and my lighthearted sarcasm. Those are things that my boyfriend fell in love with, not my constant need to control out of fear.
Only after some time were we both able to accept our roles in the death of that relationship. We were also able to bring a new relationship to life; one that is based on love and respect not passion and fear. I took responsibility for my part, the only part I could control. I let go of my constant need for attention, my anxieties about infidelity, and my desire to have power over him. I am much happier and healthier than I ever was and my relationship is completely changed for the better.
If you believe you have ultimate compatibility in your relationship but still feel things are not working I would like to challenge you today to look at yourself. Are you treating him how you would like to be treated? Change one thing about yourself for the better and wait to see if that changes something for the better in your relationship.
If you want to keep your prince, stop acting like a princess.
P.S. Need help changing your relationship mindset? Drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org
Men will frequently test you to see just how into them you are and how much they can get away with. The more you are willing to put up with, the more he is going to get away with. This doesn’t stop after the first few months it will happen periodically throughout the relationship. I am not suggesting they do this purposely or maliciously. It starts as fun and games but your response is what will determine you ultimate relationship outcome.
So if he starts to call or see you less often than the norm (and that bothers you) you can do something about it. You do this by not waiting eagerly for him to decide when he is going to see you or call you. Not always being readily available takes you from sad puppy dog to fierce sex kitten.
The same can be applied to a man you live with pulling away. When things get repetitive they get boring for men. If you find your man is starting to ignore you at home. It’s time to get out of the house. You will get the desired outcome whether you go away for the weekend or just go get your nails done. When we get comfortable in a relationship we get lazy. When we are oh so in love with our best friend we tend to want to just stay home in our sweats and watch Breaking Bad reruns.
While that is awesome too you have to make it a priority to pull yourself away from the television and join a spin class, go out for drinks with the girls, or better yet go away for a girl’s weekend. Men’s feelings grow during absence while women’s feelings grow from togetherness. If he starts taking you for granted it’s probably because you are taking yourself for granted too. Doing things separately will add to your own life and your love life, it will give you more to talk about, and it will give you a chance to miss each other.
If a man thinks your world revolves around him he is more likely to take you for granted. The chase is over, he’s won you, and he can act how he pleases. He knows you will be right there waiting for him moment he takes time out of his busy schedule to see you. Whether that schedule is boys nights or video game-athons, if he is dictating your together time then he is controlling the relationship.
I will give you an example of my friend Sarah* (names have been changed) after 7 months of a serious relationship she found herself out of a job and suddenly with loads to time to see her boyfriend on his schedule. Not only that she would cook and clean his apartment while he was at work. Sounds like a sweet girlfriend right? Well sure until he feels like he dictates when he sees you and when he doesn’t (and when he doesn’t you’ll clean his apartment!) Alas he started to pull away, seeing her less often, choosing fishing trips over stag and does with her friends, and just seeming a little off in general.
Then, being the lovely anti-princess she is, she took action. Instead of whining that he wasn’t giving her enough attention, she took away her attention from him instead. She made herself just slightly less available to his every text and phone call. She came down to a girl’s night with us where we drank lots of wine, ate appetizers, and laughed all night. While she was out with us she left her phone in her purse and didn’t look at it all night (because we were having so much fun!) In the morning she had several calls and texts messages and a picture text as well. When she finally responded to him she acted like nothing and things started changing immediately. When he did go away on his fishing trip he sent her flowers as a thank you for not getting mad that he was going!
I know some people tend to have the reaction that this is game playing and that you shouldn’t have to play games in a relationship. I would argue that fighting and making someone feel guilty or untrusted is a kind of game as well. If this is a game I guarantee you it is the healthiest one you can play in a relationship. Think of it as taking control of your side of the relationship. Men are naturally more likely to text you less when they are away or just pull away now and then in general, than women are. This is simply creating equality. This will show him that you deserve respect as much as he does. As an additional bonus you will get the reassurance that he actually does care without having to beg him to tell you so every single day.
If you want to keep your prince, stop acting like a princess.
P.S. As always I would love to hear your stories and help you solve your man problems. Drop me a line anytime.
Choosing to look to the positive instead of focusing on the negative
will attract positivity in life and love.